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May 30, 2016

The Parent Pastors dive deep into the ways in which  they deal with conflict, both in their families and in their churches.  We build on the concepts we started talking about in Episodes Nine and Thirteen.

Parenting Fail Segment

Manderson - don’t really have one

Stout - Said something dumb to my wife

Bevil - Quality Time Lacking


Topic of the Week: Responding to Conflict

Brad Kirk Inspired from FB

How do you deal with conflict?

Stout: I use the book by Brene Brown called Rising Strong as a template for dealing with conflict. She has some steps for dealing with conflict that I loved, and I’ll talk about that a bit. I’m going to have to refresh myself on the book, though.  It’s kind of pop psychology-talk, but the concepts underneath it have helped me a lot, and might can give us a framework for the discussion.  The first step is to have the self-control to be upset in the conflict without ruining our relationships.  Get away and get some space if you can.


The Reckoning - being honest about the conflict from our point of view.  Finding a way to express how we think about the conflict and the people without editing or censoring.  She calls it a ‘shitty first draft’ of the story from our perspective. It’s important to be honest and not pull any punches.


The Rumble - this gives us time and space to start getting curious about our own story.  Ask hard questions about our shitty first draft.  Why did I feel that way?  What could have caused them to do that? What’s been going on in the other person’s life that makes them act that way?  What could I have done differently?  Try as hard and as honestly as you can to find the answers to those questions.


The Revolution - Re-approach the person you’re in conflict with armed with a fresh understanding and ask them questions hoping to understand them as much as possible. Try to approach the situation again with fresh eyes and empathy.


Bevil: Dealing with Conflict

  • Responding vs. Reacting
    • Drama Triangle: Each person responsible for their own
    • Abraham Lincoln - “I seek to make my enemy my friend.”
    • Miroslav Volf: We define ourselves by the other always.
  • Focus on Point Made, not Person (But this is what we’re working on, right?)
  • 3 Parts of Process (Focused on Context)
    • Who said it?
      • Stranger: shouldn’t affect us as much, but take into account their point
      • Known Person: Affects us more, but why are they saying it? For us or not
      • Close to Us: Affects us the most! Unresolved issue or really care about us
    • Where are they?
      • Emotionally - Rooted Conference: woman who was hurting
      • Spiritually - Over Spiritual, Pharisees care more about being right than learning. Brian McLaren Asbury Story
    • Where am I?
      • Emotionally - Baggage? Mature?
      • Spiritually - Am I teachable?
  • Response doesn’t need to be immediate, but it needs to happen.


Parenting Win Segment

Manderson - yesterday with the Boys. Pamm was gone but we played outside, roughhoused and went on a walk. Met some of our neighbors.

Stout - Sweet time with my youth group when they threw me a going away party

Bevil - Morning Walk with Lola & the Girls